The Randomizer is a D-Sub9 feature in which a randomly selected retro game is experienced for no more than twenty minutes. These are the stories.
Randomizer Selection #1295 - Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Seasons (Game Boy Color)
I was excited. Boyishly so. After two trials of meter, constitution, stamina and patience, the Randomizer had taken pity on me and given me the proverbial "bye" and bestowed upon me the task of journaling my frolic and sheer gleeful frivolity in one of Our National Pastime's (no, not that one) greatest franchises. What fun! What luck! What utter and complete fortuitousness! The bank has made an error in my favor and I wasn't going to jail for it! My head spun with wonderment and acute hyperventilation as I reached for my controller and-
Egg Timer: *beep*
Son of a bitch.
Now look, wait a second. You two can't possibly expect me to try and take on a Zelda title in a 20-minute snapsho-
Egg Timer: *beep*
Oh come on. You're inanimate objects, for crying out loud! Sure the Randomzier could probably do some tricky tool-assisted speedrun moonwalking bullshit gymnastics and beat the game in four minutes thirty... or it could set fire to the polar ice caps, but I'm just-
Randomizer: *boop*
Alright stop that. I'm writing, I'm writing! Don't want the precious freaking Egg Timer to miss its soaps or whatever the hell it's doing when it's not deliberately trying to burn my garlic bread.
Egg Timer: *beep*
Shut it.
The Legend of Zelda: Oracle series was a two title labor of love set forth by Capcom-and-Nintendo-owned Flagship. The pair, comprised of Oracle of Seasons and Oracle of Ages, allowed gamers to venture forth into two separate, but inextricably linked adventures in the lands of Holodrum (Seasons) and Labrynna (Ages). After beating one Oracle, the player was presented with a code that allowed you to play the other Oracle all the way through and unlock the final "real" ending of both cartridges. It was a nifty gimmick, and a fine way to put a shine to the final years of the Game Boy Color.
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| "aaaaahhhhhh-OK-aaaaahhhhh!" |
At the kickoff, Seasons is in media res with Link dramatically riding his horse to a remote castle harboring the MacGuffin's MacGuffin, the Triforce. Except here, instead of the traditional flag to be captured or deus ex to be machina'd, the Triforce takes the role of involuntary taskmaster. The power of the three flying yield signs cast Link, rather rudely, into the wooded realm of Holodrom face-first. When Link comes to, he finds himself smack in the middle of a reveling carny-camp, which I'm pretty sure is not a place for an anonymous lone wanderer to find himself without strapping down every loose item of jewelry possible.
Even in the first few minutes, I'm feeling that Flagship did everything they possibly could to crunch every spare megahertz out of the Game Boy Color in an effort to reproduce the style and play of Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past, while simultaneously injecting their own storytelling flavor into the mix. The artwork is bright and vibrant for the little 8-bit handheld. The sound and music are, for what they're worth, full and rich in their own FM Synth-y ways. To top it off, with all the flash and pizazz the senses are subjected to, the game still feels like that responsive Zelda 3 that everyone loves so much. I can't wait to start beating up some baddies...
Oh, you're not done talking yet, plot exposition? Sorry, I'll let you continue.
And continue...
And continue...
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| Link relives his high school prom awkwardness... |
And so the plot finally lurches forward. Onox kidnaps Din and traps her in a magic crystal then proceeds to bury the Temple of Seasons. This transforms all of Holodrum into southern New England, where the seasons change every eight seconds if you're not keeping a sharp eye on it. Link is cast aside and knocked unconscious again and is awakened by one of the traveling destitute (whom actually happens to be Zelda's nurse?) who gives Link his first quest, despite her "injuries". The music picks up, hits crescendo, and the familiar Legend of Zelda theme kicks in.
Finally! I can move! I can explore! I can do things! I can-
Egg Timer: *6:00 left*
Shit.
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| That's one way to call in sick. |
Time is clearly against me. I think the Egg Timer is chuckling. Do Egg Timers chuckle?
I'm using my natural left-to-right tendencies and heading northeast. There are some familiar enemies, bushes I can't pick up or push, and a guy who wants to get his cat, Mittens, down from a tree using nothing but a bullhorn and a fish.
Good luck with that, guy.
I'm hitting crap dead-ends as the time ticks down. At this point I'm not even really trying to explore. I'm shooting for the next piece of the puzzle to get me to at least strike something. At the very least I'll be able to comment on combat and gameplay before that ticking bastard tries to remind me-
Egg Timer: *4:30 left*
SHUT UP.
Guy with art easel, don't care. Kid throwing ball to dog, don't care. Sleeping guy, don't care. Where's the guy that wants to conveniently make Link well-armed? I'm not seeing a Charlton Heston-like sprite anywhere, but I'm sure he's here somewhere talking about "damn dirty liberal apes" or somesuch. Found a couple with a newborn baby. I named the baby "Poop". There's always time for immaturity!
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| Hehehehe... so do I. So do I. |
I think I get what the meta-gameplay is going to be like, but I'm clearly not going to hit the point where I'll get to see it. The seasonal-shifting will likely be controllable in the game's progression. Winter will freeze lakes and make things accessible by walking across the ice. Spring allows plants to grow, making things accessible/inaccessible, etc. It's like Ages' time-bending mechanics, but with an environmentalist twist.
Egg Timer: *2:00 left*
OK, just run. Run. The Mako tree sign told me to piss off unless I proved myself courageous. Bitch, what do you think the Triforce on my hand is for? The flying triangles threw me a few thousand miles away to help your goofy ass and you want me to show how "brave" I am? I'm channeling my inner Sutherland, because there is no time.
I went due south and hit the beaches. I was hoping that this would be somewhat Link's Awakening-like where the sword is just conveniently there. No dice. Lots of crabs, though. I headed a little north to a cave. It's one of those full-heal fairy locations. NOT HELPFUL. I'm not even giving the screen time to fill in. One-room caves? Get out.
Ok, I found a more decorative an ominous-looking cave. "Hero's Cave" pops up when I enter. This looks promising.
 |
| Dammit. |
Dammit! The puzzles are fairly standard LoZ faire at this point. Push blocks to get through. Step on buttons to open doors. Get key, unlock door that needs key. Next room. Next room. Next room. I'm completely ignoring enemies at this point. I've taken so many hits in my bee-line for some sort of means of self-defense that I'm down to a measly half heart of health. The game is beeping, my pulse is beeping, the freaking Egg Timer is beeping-
Egg Timer: *0:10 left*
Found it! Big room! Big chest! The sword! I've got the sword! I need to get myself to some enemy somewhere to smack him around a bit so I can at least measure a nanosecond of combat! Just a little! Just a taste! To relish the wonders of the prototypical action RPG in handheld color forma-
... I just got hit by a bat and died. Time's up.
Egg Timer: *beep*
Randomizer: *boop*
I hate you both.
blip
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