Gaming historians everywhere believed that people who played games before the mighty 8-Bit era were accustomed to utilizing a truckload of imagination to maintain their suspension of disbelief upon the great pillars of entertainment emanating from the venerable (and wood-laminated) Atari 2600. These video game warriors of yore allowed their minds to be churned into a pasty adhesive that attached the moving squares and balls on screen with the clearly-unrelated-to-actual-game artwork that was plastered on the boxes and cartridges. Sometimes, this effort in marketing actually worked.
Sometimes, it didn't.
Join RJ and Ryan as they survey a generation of gaming that they probably don't ever want to visit again.
RJ: FUCK YOU XCODE I FUCKING HATE YOU
Ryan: Don't worry, Ron Jeremy is here to WHILE your WEND and LOOP in your FOR.
RJ: I've got a hell of an unmanaged pointer right now. Hey baby, i'll make your kernel panic
Ryan: Back when writing code looked like composing dubstep.
RJ: In 1981, they predicted jokes from 2004 that would be played out by 2006. This would rule if 2-player mode had one guy as norris and one as a tank.
Ryan: I like to think that if you flicked the reset switch the wood paneling would manifest itself into a foot and break your sternum.
RJ: What if it was one of the scrub-tier non-wood models?
Ryan: Your shins, then.
RJ: Xonox - a fully-owned subsidiary of norelco, owned by globodyne, gmbh.
Ryan: Xonox seriously sounds like the kind of medication you give your screaming 4-year-old.
RJ: "Calm down, take your Xonox. Submit. Obey. Submit. Obey. Relax, everything will be fine."
Ryan: Only Buzz Aldrin can handle the rainbow terror that is SUPER BREAKOUT.
RJ: This is what it looked like when my laptop got way too hot while i was watching 2001.
Ryan: "My god, it's full of *BEEP* *BONK* *BOOP*"
RJ: "I can't let you do that, $RED_GRADIENT_SQUARE." Just kidding, that sentence takes up more space than the atari has system memory.
RJ: JOKE'S ON YOU? WHAT THE FUCK'S THIS GAME CALLED? WHO KNOWS THERE'S A SKULL MOM BUY IT FOR ME
Ryan: "No dear, you can't have... uh... Angry Skull Barfing for the Atari box."
RJ: "The scariest thing about angry Skull Barfing Island? Church."
Ryan: This looks like the Disney ride that you go to when you're bad... or if you ate the glue stick again in Arts & Crafts.
RJ: You will have a more painful passage through the ride than the glue stick will have through your lower GI.
Ryan: Lord Smugface is tired of your double-jumping bullshit.
RJ: I haven't watched game of thrones but I know that midget's gonna get plowed by someone.
Ryan: Probably the chick that's NOT PLAYING ANY CHECKERS.
RJ: I gathered she's his mom. What sort of show have you guys been watching?!
Ryan: 19 variations of checkers, including the far-left leaning "Give Away Checkers". You know, for commies.
RJ: We must redistribute the checkers. It is time for the individual checkmate.
Ryan: All people who refuse checkers suffer a 2-checker penalty per diem.
RJ: "Who ya gonna call? Cartouche de jeu a video a utiliser avec LE SYSTEME DE JEU VIDEO ATARI"
Ryan: I love how shooting a demon in the face is a "Challenge". Next, the sequel, "Modest Difficutly" where you bench press Mt. Fuji while lying on a bed of infected punji sticks.
RJ: Not only did they capture my ex-girlfriends visage perfectly, they summed up in one word how I would describe resisting to put a gun in my mouth during that period of my life.
Ryan: Yeah but if knockoff Bollywood Peter Venkman came in to suck her into a ghost trap, I'd say it was worth it.
RJ: And I'd say shut up.
Ryan: The author of Dune designs video games where the spaceships have two penises. He's hardcore like that.
RJ: Is it called the DOUBLE ENDER?
Ryan: The SS Watch Your Pooper.
RJ: Homeboy on the right is playing a video game of what's happening directly in front of him. It's like I sat on my porch and played Drug-Addled-Alcoholic-Sim 2012 on my laptop.
Ryan: And Napoleon Dynamite on the left clearly wants his turn.
RJ: Not pictured - Caylee Anthony.
Ryan: Dear lord, did someone strike that teddy bear? Is that the premise of this? Pedobear's origins? Who signed papers to let this get made?
RJ: Hangover Bear just can't deal with this right now. He's got work in the morning.
Ryan: Teddy clearly spilled the stuffing so it's owie time followed by a night in the "bad closet".
Ryan: FLY, BIRDS THAT FIRE SIDEWINDER MISSILES INTO THE ATMOSPHERE, FLY!
RJ: He's not firing sidewinders, he's pining for the fjords.
Ryan: It's a shame. They've got a pretty badass space rock concert getting shot down in the background. Probably some bullshit KISS tribute band.
RJ: Which Power Ranger is driving the giant bird in the way back?
Ryan: The LSD Ranger. Most purple monkey dishwasher melting walls of all the rangers.
Ryan: Yes! Death to all spinning tops! Death to all spinning tops!
RJ: I think that's a dreidel. Did Mel Gibson produce Atari games?
Ryan: World War I would have gone a lot faster if they had one of those blow-everything-the-fuck-up tanks.
RJ: ATARI 2600 VIDEO GAME SEARS 2600 TELE-GAMES OL' GUS'S VIDEO GAME BOX PLAYER THING 2600-COMPATIBLE
"RJ: I haven't watched game of thrones but I know that midget's gonna get plowed by someone.
ReplyDeleteRyan: Probably the chick that's NOT PLAYING ANY CHECKERS.
RJ: I gathered she's his mom. What sort of show have you guys been watching?!"
Obviously have not watched GOTs. This plot you bring up above happens ALL THE TIME in the show..
BTW.. good shit