It's always important to remember our roots in gaming. Remember that the 1080p multi-gigabyte AAA titles of today were the 10x10 pixelated sprites of 1985... and marketing wasn't quite as easy then. So difficult, in fact, that artists had to take a few liberties with the source material to get our greedy little eyes fixed on the packaging of an otherwise completely unrelated product.
These are the lower echelons of box art. Let Ryan and RJ guide you on this safari of insanity...
RJ: Amagon's special power in this game is he turns gayer when you hit select. Wait till you see the walking animation before you hit select.
Ryan: You're only manly if you don't have a gun? Ted Nugent's going to be pissed.
RJ: This cover is like an 8 year old kid's stream of consciousness.
Ryan: Amagon + Ritalin = Unemployment Line Simulator. It's all a lie!
Ryan: Since when did West Side Story get a helicopter and two A-10s?
RJ: Once you're a forgettable spin-off, you're a forgettable spin-off all the way!
Ryan: The Fonz is clearly going to shoot someone in the face with an "Eyyyyyyyyy..."
RJ: Wow, Mormons in New Haven really don't take shit from anybody.
RJ: Free Mega Man sticker? So this is like Zone of the Enders but about 15 years older.
Ryan: So am I the floating Emperor mountain guy? Is my enemy the color purple?
RJ: I have nothing left to say about this. I would like to go home now.
Ryan: There is no home. There is only the mongol horde and furrowed brows.
Ryan: That man wants to expose his genitalia to Godzilla and I want him arrested right now.
RJ: Gumshoe - the story of hung over Dick Tracy bringing a balloon to Gamera because he has heartburn.
Ryan: I think someone already pre-reviewed this with the tomato splat in the background.
RJ: Nintendo GUMSHOE ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM
Ryan: Oh hey I found Keanu Reeves' next acting gig.
RJ: Finally, a Kabuki Fighter that can kick NP-complete ass in polynomial time.
Ryan: I'm glad that Milla Jovovich finally achieved her life-long dream of wearing a polygonal lemon on her head.
RJ: Not even Kabuki Quantum training can steel a man to the whimsy of Youtube cat videos.
RJ: Internal combustion engines - they're not just for breakfast anymore.
Ryan: This is the scariest game of my life. Isn't it made by Will Wright? Ok, second scariest...
RJ: Why is half the box made out of Sinbad's pants?
Ryan: WHY IS THIS BOX STARING AT ME? FINE I'LL PLAY THE SIMS JEEZ.
RJ: I've been wishing for a Rancid vs. Sid Vicious crossover fighting game for years and it turns out they already made one.
Ryan: Random violent outbursts in a subway station with a bottomless pit? I must be in Boston...
RJ: BLUE LINE: THE GAME
Ryan: You don't win, you just get those gold dollar coins so you have no choice but to play again.
RJ: I don't know which looks more fake - the gun or the tits.
Ryan: The Tina Turner hairdo. Definitely the Tina.
RJ:
Ryan: Is someone throwing spears over his head?
RJ: MOOOOOOOOM! SADDAM GOT THE POTATO GUN WITH THE LASER PEN AGAIN!!!!
Ryan: Operation Shock & Sparkles over here has got the kitten-chasing-the-red-dot platoon smoked.
RJ: Introducing THOSE FUCKERS/OUR SHIT, the official NES game of the Republican Party.
Ryan: At least he was polite enough to bring the turkey-carving knife to Operation: Thanksgiving Rave Party.
RJ: You just bought Solitaire for Nintendo. I'm guessing that glass is filled with bottom-shelf liquor.
Ryan: Look, you can keep your cards and your fake palm tree backdrop, but if you think you're going to get me to buy this game with a free Long Island Iced Tea, you're out of your damned mind.
RJ: I hope this game came with a gun and one bullet.
Ryan: "Push A to cry into your booze."
RJ: I hope this game came with a gun and one bullet.
Ryan: "Push A to cry into your booze."
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